Cyclist vs. Squirrel

July 20, 2010

It seems a team of people traveled throughout the world seeking out every bad bicyclist, threw them in a truck with their bikes, dropped them off in Milwaukee, and said "bike freely my friends, for now you are home!"

In many places, cyclists have a responsibility to follow the laws of the road, but in Milwaukee bikers only have a couple rules:
  1. Never wear anything brighter than black so you camouflage with the night
  2. Take all reflectors off of your bike, helmet (if you have one), and any other gear you have
  3. Stop signs and traffic lights are mere suggestions and should be ignored
  4. If you're drunk or have your license suspended, don't drive a car, ride a bike

As a driver in Milwaukee I must slam on my brakes when I have the right of way more often for adult cyclists than I do for children, dogs, squirrels, and every other conceivable reason combined. This leads me to hypothesize that squirrels are more intelligent than bikers, which encouraged me to undertake a number of tests:

Test 1: Statistical brain size
Squirrels have a brain about the size of a pea,
Bikers have much larger brains. Winner: biker.

Test 2: I made a loud noise
The squirrel heard the noise and ran the other way,
The biker swerved into traffic as he took his MP3 player off his belt and seemed to turn the volume up to drown out the noise. Winner: squirrel.

Test 3: I legally drove across an intersection with both a squirrel and a biker in it, the latter crossing on a red light
The squirrel saw me coming and ran up a nearby tree,
The biker looked startled, waived at me, and continued across the intersection. Winner: squirrel.

Test 4: I played hide and seek with both a squirrel and biker
The squirrel hid in a tree; it took me 3 minutes and 34 seconds to find him,
The biker put on black, took a shot of vodka, got on his bike, and road out into traffic; I found him in 2 minutes and 58 seconds when I heard a car slam on its breaks. Winner: squirrel.

Test 5: After both a squirrel and biker nearly got hit by cars I observed each to see if they had learned from this ordeal
The squirrel ran back into traffic within 12 hours,
The biker obeyed traffic signs for 2 hours, stopped biking for a day, then rode into traffic within 36 hours. Winner: biker.

Analysis & Conclusion:
It appears bikers have larger brains than squirrels and therefore have a larger mental capacity. However, squirrels tend to use their tiny brains to their capacity, while bikers use only a small portion of their brains.

Squirrels use the full capacity of their brains, the size of a pea and although bikers have a much larger brain capacity, they use so little of their brain that their intelligence does not exceed that of a squirrel.